Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I feel like it's harder to talk

Opening up to people has become something fake where we're just talking about how we need to open up but not really opening up. And I don't know if I'm being perceived as totally fucking fake or if I'm being perceived as being... open? Conversations have become too meta, too post-modern or some shit. Like we're talking about the way we talk to people as we're talking instead of just talking about something real. I didn't realize that was what was happening. I don't know if that was what was happening. I can't tell anything any more. It's too much. It's gotten weird. I feel like I've overstepped a boundary. I made a mistake. I made the WRONG sacrifice for no apparent reason except that it felt easy at the time. How do you get yourself to make better choices? I feel like my being inconsiderate of someone else led to me being inconsiderate of myself led to that person being inconsiderate of me. It's a lose-lose-lose situation. It's shit. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm being shit and making other people feel shit which is way worse than just feeling shit yourself. Do we enable each other? Are we enablers? I don't want friendships to end but, and hopefully it's not, but, maybe it's necessary. We'll see how things go. We'll see what else is said. Maybe it's the end. Maybe I fucked up. That's probably okay, I should probably be okay with it.

Monday, February 25, 2013

-- I told someone the other day that I'm an English major and he actually asked if I'm going to be a writer. Not a teacher, a writer. Most every time I tell someone that I'm an English major the first response is "are you going to be a teacher?" And I say no and that I don't think I have that kind of leadership skill. But then when they ask what I want to do I don't usually have the courage to say writer. I don't think I have the skill or I don't want them to think that I think I'm really good at writing, because really who is. But when he assumed that I'd be a writer, I liked that. I wish more people would assume that. But then maybe I don't. Because I never write any more and I don't know if it's something I'll really pursue. What makes someone a writer? I certainly don't have any ideas. Maybe I have nothing that needs to be put on the page. -- Being alone seems like the easy part now. I know I was alone a lot in high school and through most of college, and I always felt like I needed to be around more people, like I was lonely and lacking, but now whenever I'm around people I almost feel like I'm missing out on all my time alone. It's not fair, I just want to be happy and content. -- I don't understand how my life has been taking these turns and it feels really real and like maybe I'm more alive. But it's so hard because I feel tired all the time and like I'm letting people down. It started when I began my current job at a local movie theatre. I always wanted to work there, and I don't know why I thought I did, because nothing about that place has any semblance of my former life, and this was never the life I thought I wanted, as much as it may have been exactly what I needed (or is it killing me and turning me into a horrible person?). -- Too many commas. -- I don't know how I have this much love inside of me. These people and my love for them, it's so alive, it's out of my control. And it's not a romantic love but it makes me want to hug them and tell them how special they are and make them feel important and able to see how much greatness I see inside of them. I don't think it's a feeling that I can ever all the way make known. It's beyond time and certainly beyond words and a page. -- I thought it used to be said that when someone is sad they need to be cheered up. I thought it was something people always said they wanted and was just universally acknowledged as an important thing to do. But, as I continue living, I don't think it's true. I think people who are sad want to be left alone, they want to feel their pain, they just want someone to understand and let them experience their pain. How do you make someone know that you understand without sounding like you're trying to cheer them up or just giving them what they want. Maybe the sad truth is that the sad person cannot be happy, thus, the term.

I

I feel like I'm a different person like I'm changing and I don't know who I might become. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong if I'm making a mistake but I knew I'd have to change eventually. I hate crowds and I hate groups of people but individual people I latch onto and I can't imagine life without those latching moments. Maybe I'm a tease or a bad person. I don't know. It's exhausting always caring what other people think but when I don't it always catches up to me later. Life seems meaningless, I need a drink.