Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
I feel like I'm a different person like I'm changing and I don't know who I might become. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong if I'm making a mistake but I knew I'd have to change eventually. I hate crowds and I hate groups of people but individual people I latch onto and I can't imagine life without those latching moments. Maybe I'm a tease or a bad person. I don't know. It's exhausting always caring what other people think but when I don't it always catches up to me later. Life seems meaningless, I need a drink.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Monday, February 15, 2010
you may be asking yourself, "who is this guy, and why am i following him?"
well maybe i can help you with some of that.
my names drew (you knew that).
i'm 20 yrs old.
i live in sacramento.
i don't much care for sacramento,
mostly because i live at home,
with my parents,
and two sisters,
and dog. aw, dingo.
i go to community college.
i'm an english major.
i don't much care for english.
art is really where my heart lies, i think,
but i'm so close to getting my aa,
i might as well just go for that first..
i'm not very dedicated.
i don't know what i want to do,
or what i want to be.
don't remember why i'm writing this..
my favorite color is blue.
my favorite animal, the elephant.
i'm an overly sensitive person
and sometimes i care too much about people.
other times, not at all.
i enjoy music. listening to it.
i'm a loser,
and a loner.
i want to have a voice,
but i think i'm invisible most the time.
i don't know what i'm saying anymore,
Thursday, September 10, 2009
But I apologize. I have not finished the book and therefore do not know where the author is going with this. Perhaps this character will be confronted with all of these things over the course of the book. But it really doesn't seem like that's going to happen. My expectations: Charlie does some more drugs, meets a girl and loses his virginity, there's a pregnancy scare and someone, possibly the gay character, gets an STD. Charlie will realize that he is straying from the person he wants to be and have a change of heart and leave this cruel uncaring world in the dust.
I really hope this book doesn't live up to my expectations. I'm hoping that as the book progresses, Charlie, along with his writing ability, matures.
But mostly this is looking like a long and non-amusing episode of "Strangers With Candy". Now that's something that might interest me. "the Perks of Being a 48yr-old High School Freshman". Get on that please Amy Sedaris.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
as i walk to the car i realize that i’m living a dream. life is going in slow motion. i can’t even tell what is going on around me, and we’re walking to the car. “i can’t drive”, i say, “i don’t think this is really happening.”
much laughter ensues and i am scared beyond belief. I know that laughter is the natural response but i can’t help but be pissed off. that while i’m sitting here, unable to function beyond the blink of an eye, they’re laughing their asses off.
things start to take strange shape. the street lights become the eyes of the houses as they grow in size and join in the laughter. i can’t help but think of the film “monster house” and wonder how i never realized it was based on a true story.
i start to think i’m going to die. i can’t handle the world around me. my back burns uncontrollably and i wonder, “is this what it’s like to be insane?” and “if this is whats going on in the minds of homeless men and women, i now have nothing but sympathy for them”.
and then i realize, if i die, the world will be ok. death starts to seem like a viable option, and perhaps the best. because what have i accomplised? really? and what will i accomplish if i continue to live? not much probably. i see myself as a statistic. i realize that i am only everyone else around me and the world does not require my existence.
food arrives. it is then that i realize i cannot move my arms. one movement seems to take years and it takes all of my concentration just to keep my arm from falling to the seat beside me. i am given an apple. i hear the words “you’re not going to want to eat but it’ll make you feel better”. i hear them, and i believe them. i take a bite of the apple and it turns to ash in my mouth. chewing. chewing. chewing. and why is the food still in my mouth? i remember, swallowing, it’s a part of eating, perhaps the most important part.
every so often i am overcome with fear. the fear that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. i’ll be placed in a mental institution if i’m not dead or arrested first. the burning on my back will never stop and i’ll eventually find the strength to scream in agony and curse the heavens for my down-falls.
i can hear people talking around me and if they ask me a question i can give a short answer. if my mind focuses on the subject for too long, however, i forget how to breath and start to hyperventilate again. “should we call alana”, i hear, “yes”, i reply with the nod of a head.
there are times when i can acknowledge the fact that there is more than one thing in front of me. i am back in reality and i use these times to pray that i won’t lose touch with it again. it seems bizarre to me that life is made up of so many things and that we are able to be conscious of them all at once.
when i look down the street there are two options for what i will see. what i’m sure is the reality is that we are in a residential area. the street extends and there are houses untill the street curves and you can no longer see what lies beyond that. the other possibity is that i will see a dead-end. every once in a while this becomes the fact of what is in front of me, but then it fades again.
at some point i swear there are children playing in the streets. i wonder what kind of a parent lets their kids play in the street at 1 in the morning. or at least somewhere close to this time. and i wonder if the other people in the car are aware of their presence. they don’t seem to be, but i can only see everyone else out of the corner of my eye and find it hard to notice their presence for too long.
there is more to the night but mostly, everything repeats itself. it happens so much that i wouldve thought many hours had gone by. but time seems to be at a stand-still. nothing is real and i fear that nothing will ever be the same. i'll live in this world of horror and impossibility while everyone else just lives their life.