my heart is an apple
as i walk to the car i realize that i’m living a dream. life is going in slow motion. i can’t even tell what is going on around me, and we’re walking to the car. “i can’t drive”, i say, “i don’t think this is really happening.”
much laughter ensues and i am scared beyond belief. I know that laughter is the natural response but i can’t help but be pissed off. that while i’m sitting here, unable to function beyond the blink of an eye, they’re laughing their asses off.
things start to take strange shape. the street lights become the eyes of the houses as they grow in size and join in the laughter. i can’t help but think of the film “monster house” and wonder how i never realized it was based on a true story.
i start to think i’m going to die. i can’t handle the world around me. my back burns uncontrollably and i wonder, “is this what it’s like to be insane?” and “if this is whats going on in the minds of homeless men and women, i now have nothing but sympathy for them”.
and then i realize, if i die, the world will be ok. death starts to seem like a viable option, and perhaps the best. because what have i accomplised? really? and what will i accomplish if i continue to live? not much probably. i see myself as a statistic. i realize that i am only everyone else around me and the world does not require my existence.
food arrives. it is then that i realize i cannot move my arms. one movement seems to take years and it takes all of my concentration just to keep my arm from falling to the seat beside me. i am given an apple. i hear the words “you’re not going to want to eat but it’ll make you feel better”. i hear them, and i believe them. i take a bite of the apple and it turns to ash in my mouth. chewing. chewing. chewing. and why is the food still in my mouth? i remember, swallowing, it’s a part of eating, perhaps the most important part.
every so often i am overcome with fear. the fear that this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. i’ll be placed in a mental institution if i’m not dead or arrested first. the burning on my back will never stop and i’ll eventually find the strength to scream in agony and curse the heavens for my down-falls.
i can hear people talking around me and if they ask me a question i can give a short answer. if my mind focuses on the subject for too long, however, i forget how to breath and start to hyperventilate again. “should we call alana”, i hear, “yes”, i reply with the nod of a head.
there are times when i can acknowledge the fact that there is more than one thing in front of me. i am back in reality and i use these times to pray that i won’t lose touch with it again. it seems bizarre to me that life is made up of so many things and that we are able to be conscious of them all at once.
when i look down the street there are two options for what i will see. what i’m sure is the reality is that we are in a residential area. the street extends and there are houses untill the street curves and you can no longer see what lies beyond that. the other possibity is that i will see a dead-end. every once in a while this becomes the fact of what is in front of me, but then it fades again.
at some point i swear there are children playing in the streets. i wonder what kind of a parent lets their kids play in the street at 1 in the morning. or at least somewhere close to this time. and i wonder if the other people in the car are aware of their presence. they don’t seem to be, but i can only see everyone else out of the corner of my eye and find it hard to notice their presence for too long.
there is more to the night but mostly, everything repeats itself. it happens so much that i wouldve thought many hours had gone by. but time seems to be at a stand-still. nothing is real and i fear that nothing will ever be the same. i'll live in this world of horror and impossibility while everyone else just lives their life.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I'm at this weird crossroads in my life. Or maybe not cuz i kind of feel like there's only one direction i can go. And when i first noticed that things were changing i rejected it. Got mad. Got sad. Mulled things over for a little while. And now i feel like it's just life. Like idk if i like it or not. Things just feel really weird and i'm not sure how to act or feel about it. And most of the time i just don't know what i'm supposed to do. I sit in my room and just think and it's not something i'm used to. I guess i got tired of re-runs on tv. Tumblr helped for a little while but even the effects of that device are wearing off. Something really just needs to happen. Like i feel like nothing is happening. And i'm supposed to do something. Gawd, i'd really like to make a difference somehow, but i'm pretty lazy so that'd take some motivation.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
so, i dropped my only summer school class because i'm a lazy fuck. that's right, a lazy fuck. i couldve just done my homework today, but without my parents home i find myself unable to focus AT ALL when i'm home. and my sister wasn't home either so that didn't help. BLAAAH. my mom said that if i drop classes in the fall that i have to pay her $400 a month. i barely make that. but i don't know if she counted summer into that. so i guess i'll find out.. :P in the summer i definitely don't make that much a month because i only work one hour a day four times a week. that's 4hrs a week at 8.25 an hour and idk how to do math but i know that i don't make $400. i'm that smart. i guess. perhaps not. well i also fail at doing a blog a day but you forgive me so it's ok.