Sunday, June 28, 2009

Girl

I've decided i might try to do a blog-a-day again. It doesn't really matter because my blog isn't really read, but i have nothing better to do anyway.

i have a headache and i forgot what i was going to say. maybe i'll find an old poem i wrote...


][ Deal

wondering when that chapter in my life will begin.
how it will happen, and with who, and where, and why,
and if it'll make me happy or just confused, and if i'll
like her more or feel bad that i don't like her as much
and want to make her happy but won't know how
and will we fight a lot or just push it under the rug
and what my family will think
and if she'll like my friends
and if our lives will be separate
and how long it will last
and how it will end.

she doesn't exist, not yet, not to me.
and if she does that's a major twist in the story.
but i know i love her, i just don't know why.
is she pretty, smart, ugly, dumb?
does she twist her hair?
suck her thumb?

she laughs, that must be true.
she appreciates my sarcasm, takes constructive criticism,
doesn't expect me to laugh if it's not funny and knows whats funny.
she doesn't apologize for thinking i'm uncomfortable
but doesn't go out of her way to inflict that kind of pain either.
she doesn't always wear make-up, or do her hair, or plan her outfit, or even think i care.
she is who she is, take it or leave it.
but she loves me a lot, and when she says it,
she means it.

:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P:P tongue-y tung gooey.

i have a desire to blog again. and blogger will always PWN livejournal. sorry sabrina.



i'm excited.
while, at the same time, a little scared. my parents are out of town. while the house is more quiet, i find myself lonely and with nothing to occupy my time. it's a weird feeling. i know that if people were home i would do the same things (watch tv, go on the computer, eat, breath) but i don't feel as comfortable doing them...

but with the parents gone, i get use of both cars. it might mean a little more time to sleep and prepare myself for school during the week, and on the weekend, a party. because how can i be home alone when it's nearly independence day. apparently fireworks aren't allowed on the 3rd, the scheduled day of my small gathering, so i suppose i'll have to see people on the 4th as well. the only day that fireworks are permitted??? not really sure that's true. but i won't want to be lonely on saturday either.

i've been finding myself a bit more outward and friendly in the recent past. very recent past. like today. or maybe it was yesterday. anyway i feel like i care a little less about what people think about me. i try to not let myself dwell on it too much. that's bad, forget i said that. i don't care about what people think about me................... I DON'T!!!


ok, deep breaths. they heard it. it's over. don't let it bring you down too much.


i've been reading a book by david sedaris and i find myself looking for parts where he mentions his sister amy. she fascinates me. she starred on the comedy central show strangers with candy aside stephen colbert and paul dinello. i'd say an interesting person as she's said she likes playing ugly people far more than attractive people. her brothers book is funny tho. i was in the habit of reading it a lot but then the weekend came. and my desire to read was lost. we'll see what happens when i'm back at school on monday...

speaking of school, i have research to do, and an outline to construct. but i have a car. and tomorrow is sunday. and if i hang out with alana i can get my flip back. :P

so today was long. or yesterday depending on how you look at it. started out very strange. i woke up home-alone and didn't know what to do with myself. walked around the house very confused and figured someone was home. i guess if you count the dog then there was someONE. i guess i was looking for people, so the dog doesn't count. anyway, i really did nothing. took me forever to take a shower and get dressed and even talk to people. then i told my bff alana i was bored and we scheduled a time to hang. kimberly just happened to be with her and shortly after hector joined us. we talked alot of the famous youtubers we had just encountered on the previous day (moi and alana that is) and hector and alana played some guitar hero on my couch. then went to a laaaame bon-fire with jenny and alana and alana and alana, then left and picked up hector again and i don't think this is making sense. i might be leaving out details. jack in the box was had and jokes were made and michael jackson has been stalking me all weekend. he seems to be lingering around every corner and just waiting for the perfect moment for a surprise attack on my sanity. blah, i need to pee. and empty my brain of all this static...

Sunday, June 14, 2009

The times

they are a-changin.

don't you ever feel like everyone around you is changing while you stay exactly the same? i'm getting a strange deja-vu from writing this but i think i'll continue anyway. people get these weird habits. or keep them. for example, smoking, drinking, going to church. i might argue, all bad habits.

but seriously, drinking? i don't understand the appeal. you put some poison in your body that makes you unable to make good decisions, makes you act like an idiot, and tastes bad. no thank you. idk, a buzz might be ok, but all-out-drunk, just don't think it's for me. but perhaps i'm one of those people that complains about something soo much and then tries it and can't get enough. i hope not. i have no aspiration of becoming an alcoholic.

and church. there's only so much i can take. only so many lies i can handle. and the hypocrisy, it's overwhelming.

smoking. it's hot, you have to admit. but it's stupid. only people that are experts at lying to themselves smoke. cigarettes.

anyway, i feel like i'm the only sane person. the voice of reason in an otherwise misinformed world. and yet i must admit, i have no idea. i'm just as lost and confused as anyone. i can't say i'm any smarter or have even a close understanding of how the world (and the people in it) works. and perhaps i have tried all of these things. and don't know what is wrong (or right) about any of them. we grow up and were told certain things about certain things and then we get older and we question all these truths or untruths and i'm not making much sense but the point is, THERE IS NO POINT! or maybe the point is figuring out what the point is. and it's different for everyone. so there's no quick "just-add-water" way of figuring it out. gawd, life has to happen doesn't it?

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Blogs Have Stopped

and it's not just my blog. most the blogs i read have stopped, and if they haven't, i've merely stopped reading them :P/.

so monday summer school starts, and as much as it'll give me something to do with my life, it'll take away from things too. but i don't have that many friends so it won't be taking TOO much away.

this is difficult. i'm forgetting why i picked an english major and thinking, writing is not the thing i want to do. i really think i should focus on art and give up this whole english thing. but it's too late to change my classes so we'll see. maybe once i delve deeper i'll realize my intense appreciation, understanding, and of course LIKE of the subject.

bleh.

blogs aren't fun anymore. is it just me?