Tuesday, April 30, 2013

I feel like it's harder to talk

Opening up to people has become something fake where we're just talking about how we need to open up but not really opening up. And I don't know if I'm being perceived as totally fucking fake or if I'm being perceived as being... open? Conversations have become too meta, too post-modern or some shit. Like we're talking about the way we talk to people as we're talking instead of just talking about something real. I didn't realize that was what was happening. I don't know if that was what was happening. I can't tell anything any more. It's too much. It's gotten weird. I feel like I've overstepped a boundary. I made a mistake. I made the WRONG sacrifice for no apparent reason except that it felt easy at the time. How do you get yourself to make better choices? I feel like my being inconsiderate of someone else led to me being inconsiderate of myself led to that person being inconsiderate of me. It's a lose-lose-lose situation. It's shit. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm being shit and making other people feel shit which is way worse than just feeling shit yourself. Do we enable each other? Are we enablers? I don't want friendships to end but, and hopefully it's not, but, maybe it's necessary. We'll see how things go. We'll see what else is said. Maybe it's the end. Maybe I fucked up. That's probably okay, I should probably be okay with it.