Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Opening up to people has become something fake where we're just talking about how we need to open up but not really opening up. And I don't know if I'm being perceived as totally fucking fake or if I'm being perceived as being... open? Conversations have become too meta, too post-modern or some shit. Like we're talking about the way we talk to people as we're talking instead of just talking about something real. I didn't realize that was what was happening. I don't know if that was what was happening. I can't tell anything any more. It's too much. It's gotten weird. I feel like I've overstepped a boundary. I made a mistake. I made the WRONG sacrifice for no apparent reason except that it felt easy at the time. How do you get yourself to make better choices? I feel like my being inconsiderate of someone else led to me being inconsiderate of myself led to that person being inconsiderate of me. It's a lose-lose-lose situation. It's shit. I feel like shit. I feel like I'm being shit and making other people feel shit which is way worse than just feeling shit yourself. Do we enable each other? Are we enablers? I don't want friendships to end but, and hopefully it's not, but, maybe it's necessary. We'll see how things go. We'll see what else is said. Maybe it's the end. Maybe I fucked up. That's probably okay, I should probably be okay with it.