normally, i would write about how i went to vox tonight. how all the singers were amazing, the art was impressive, and the turn out was good. i would write about how this one singer reminded me of joanna newsom, but i swear, she was soo much better. i would write about how wonderful it was and how happy i was to be there and be alive, but not tonight. tonight, changes everything. tonight, valentines night.
i'm sitting in my house, in the dark, alone. vox ended early and so, i drove home. karli wasn't ready to go home yet, my mom has to help clean/close, and my dad stopped by for the end of the show. i'm not sure where jenna is, but it's not here. unless, she's in her bed, not making a sound. during the drive home i had this strange urge to do something. i was craving attention, craving to have something to do, but when i walked into the house, time seemed to stop. nothing. very few lights on in the entire house. i found myself walking very quietly through the house, just to see if i really was alone. my dog of course greeted me at the door. but he didn't bark today, he was silent. perhaps my whistling "in the back seat" by arcade fire when i walked inside let him know that i am who i am. the shadows created a strange effect. i saw my reflection in the mirror, half illuminated, half completely dark. perhaps it was a deeper reflection than what i often see. the side of me that is bright, happy, wanting to please, and my shadow. the darkest part of me. something that drives me much more than it should. i can keep people on the outside. in the light, then they'll never have to see all of me. they'll never have to reject me. and i can continue to be alone. in the dark. with nothing but my dog to guide me.